Annastasia Hinz (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
chaoticcliche) wrote2019-07-06 07:38 pm
chaoticcliche) wrote2019-07-06 07:38 pm
Entry tags:
"Julia"
A couple years ago,
i watched this show called, “The Magicians”
and fell in love with a character named
julia.
i saw a part of myself in her
i never share
or thought i’d see in anyone else
She’s still my favorite portrayal of exactly how it feels
to first experience
magic.
after dulling yourself out of necessity after
memorizing how to smile and perform and survive after
1 Corinthians 13
after the feeling of abandonment the feeling of abandonment
becomes background noise to reality
after
a never-ending loop of
ask and you shall receive ask and bend at the knee ask for existence ask for permission ask and wait
ask for love
ask
never do
there it is
the taste of freedom, never completely forgotten
power
when they told me i was powerless
finally, action
something i could do
something i’d been doing all along
it’s exactly like she says
“i can’t go to yale if i know this place exists”
you feel that first spark after playing dead for so long
tingling up your spine as the first candle’s lit
a flickering flame under Samhain’s moon
the overwhelming peace of a circle
you are alone and never alone all at once
and from the hum of what used to be your hollow, empty bones
you know
there’s no going back
back to what?
back to emptiness
back to lethargy
back to nothing?
i don’t remember what that’s like
i exist somewhere else now
the places i once called home
are a foreign land
that doesn’t want me
any more
than i want them
i am julia, skulking for magic in the darkest places
how dare they try to keep me from my birth right
i will do anything for a hit
lie hide hypocrisize
deny deny deny
buying and dealing
lying and sneaking
killing myself for any promise of more
“is it like the secret heart of what you always were?”
fake it till you make it where they don’t care
how much incense you burn
to the deep sea pulsing in your blood
i couldn’t stop if i wanted to
maybe that proves their point
maybe i don’t care
nothing else ever made this much sense
if it truly is the devil’s work
i commend the purity of his product
how can you drop anyone in this shit hole
and not expect them to partake in temptation?
religion is the opiate of the people
but i decided my own energy gives a better high
never again will i kneel or beg
be silenced
or leave my fate in someone else’s hands
i’ve cheated death so many times
while jesus only died once
does that not count for something?
does that not at least make us kin?
i cannot serve two masters
because i am not a slave
or a servant
speak to me on equal grounds
respect will no longer be asked for
but demanded
unwavering. unapologetic. uncensored
magic is within me
“i know it’s there. it’s everywhere.
all around me. the whole world. power. and beauty.”
rebirth
reawakening
the strength of uncertainty
and the pursuit of the unknown
julia invokes what i could never put into words before
I will never be powerless again
I will never not be Holy
i watched this show called, “The Magicians”
and fell in love with a character named
julia.
i saw a part of myself in her
i never share
or thought i’d see in anyone else
She’s still my favorite portrayal of exactly how it feels
to first experience
magic.
after dulling yourself out of necessity after
memorizing how to smile and perform and survive after
1 Corinthians 13
after the feeling of abandonment the feeling of abandonment
becomes background noise to reality
after
a never-ending loop of
ask and you shall receive ask and bend at the knee ask for existence ask for permission ask and wait
ask for love
ask
never do
there it is
the taste of freedom, never completely forgotten
power
when they told me i was powerless
finally, action
something i could do
something i’d been doing all along
it’s exactly like she says
“i can’t go to yale if i know this place exists”
you feel that first spark after playing dead for so long
tingling up your spine as the first candle’s lit
a flickering flame under Samhain’s moon
the overwhelming peace of a circle
you are alone and never alone all at once
and from the hum of what used to be your hollow, empty bones
you know
there’s no going back
back to what?
back to emptiness
back to lethargy
back to nothing?
i don’t remember what that’s like
i exist somewhere else now
the places i once called home
are a foreign land
that doesn’t want me
any more
than i want them
i am julia, skulking for magic in the darkest places
how dare they try to keep me from my birth right
i will do anything for a hit
lie hide hypocrisize
deny deny deny
buying and dealing
lying and sneaking
killing myself for any promise of more
“is it like the secret heart of what you always were?”
fake it till you make it where they don’t care
how much incense you burn
to the deep sea pulsing in your blood
i couldn’t stop if i wanted to
maybe that proves their point
maybe i don’t care
nothing else ever made this much sense
if it truly is the devil’s work
i commend the purity of his product
how can you drop anyone in this shit hole
and not expect them to partake in temptation?
religion is the opiate of the people
but i decided my own energy gives a better high
never again will i kneel or beg
be silenced
or leave my fate in someone else’s hands
i’ve cheated death so many times
while jesus only died once
does that not count for something?
does that not at least make us kin?
i cannot serve two masters
because i am not a slave
or a servant
speak to me on equal grounds
respect will no longer be asked for
but demanded
unwavering. unapologetic. uncensored
magic is within me
“i know it’s there. it’s everywhere.
all around me. the whole world. power. and beauty.”
rebirth
reawakening
the strength of uncertainty
and the pursuit of the unknown
julia invokes what i could never put into words before
I will never be powerless again
I will never not be Holy