Keeper of the Chaos

Bitch I’m back. By popular demand.

Lmao really it’s because I fixed some health problems so THE WRITING MACHINE FUNCTIONS AGAIN! =D

Anyway, I went OFF this week. 1215 words. That’s the most I’ve had since the summer! I’m really having a good time, and honestly just relieved that I can write again. It helps that I’m rewriting scenes I’ve been waiting to get to. The chapter I’m on currently is turning out exactly how it looked in my head, which is always exciting. I can’t wait for y’all to read it!

Did any of you have as much success during the week? Let me know!

“Sabin Khilkov.
Panacea’s prodigal son. Both their top priority and their deepest loss. The savior, the guardian, humanity’s guiding light. He was much better known to the public by his code name: Eden.

My fingers absently trace along the words etched into the ID tags around my neck. Sabin’s birth date and ID number. It’s the only thing left with his real name on it. Every other time it’s Eden, or a sequence number, or some other random code name Panacea can think of to keep me from knowing they’re talking about him. He used to never take it off. I can still see his face when he gave it to me. The last time his dual-colored eyes held hope instead of fear.

“This is the only thing I’ve managed to keep away from them. Will you keep it safe for me?””

Here he is! The man, the myth, the legend! Sabin is the male lead of Cynical Chaos, and romantic interest to the MC, Ariana. Sabin spent the majority of his life on the streets, running from Panacea. Being constantly hunted, any attempt he made at human contact was met with tragedy and death to those he befriended, forcing him into a life of isolation where his only friends were the stray dogs he’d meet along his travels. Until he met Ariana. It’s his abduction that sparks the war between Panacea and the Unseen.

Sabin is the only one of my main characters that does not physically appear in the novel. His presence is instead a ghostly one, haunting the reader like he haunts Ariana’s mind.

Here’s a little bit more about him under the cut!

(oncoming cw: tiny references to child abuse and slightly more detailed references to self-harm)

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Ariana Salem did not know how to die quietly.

For as long as she’d had powers, she’d heard every warning: Keep your head down. Don’t draw attention. Pretend to be normal, and they won’t hurt you. Don’t ever fight back, or you’re just as bad as they are. But when Panacea attacked, viewing her and the other hosts as a threat, she did not heed the warnings. She refused to cower. They wanted a monster, and she gave it to them.

A year later, the war has no end in sight. Ariana’s greatest strength has become her weakness. She does not know how to die quietly. But every battle, every loss, every minute she spends with her loved one’s lives weighing on her shoulders, is tearing her apart. When strange storms begin popping up around the world, it’s revealed one of Panacea’s prisoners has escaped. This could be the lead needed to tip the balance back in the hosts’ favor, or the breaking point for Ariana’s health.

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YEET I’m finally posting about my ocs! =D This is the MC and narrator to the story! Every Sunday, along with my wip progress, I’ll post a new character for y’all to meet.



In the mean time, here’s a little bit more about Ria below:
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Y’ALL

Omg I’ve been so excited to tell you this week’s update!!!!!!!! =D WE’RE FINALLY PROGRESSING!!! I finished chapter 14, and did the revisions for 15 and 16! Yes, we’re finally back on the revision train! I’m thinking there shouldn’t be any more big, new additions I’ll have to add. There might be a few smaller scenes, but for the most part, IT’S BACK TO MY LAST STOPPING POINT!

I had gone back and redid the beginning for some school things I was sending CC in for, but before I did that, I was almost to the end. Since revitalizing the beginning, I’m STOKED to finally get through the rest! I say this every time (lol), but I feel incredible about this revision. I honestly think this is the best version it’s ever been. There’s almost something magical about it. If it’s not the grand, publish-able version future me will end up with, it’s definitely close. I can’t wait to start sharing it with everyone!!!!!!

So, this week added up to 1633 original words total. I’m gonna be keeping up the same word count goal, but now that I’m at a different point in the revision, I’m gonna need new, bigger goals!

Let’s see…

-Write/Revise at least 500 words

-Revise the Damali reveal (you know the one)

-Write the new Dark Moment

-Write the new ending and Epilogue

-Add the lines we saved for later

-Make sure all the chapter songs flow

And my most ambition goal……..

-FINISH AND READ THROUGH IT ALL BY AUG 26!!!!!!!

Wish me luck, friends!!!! I wish you the same with your own goals!!! See you next week!!! ^_^

Here we go! Besides the relationship building I mentioned before, I was able to get some cool world building details in here too. I hope you enjoy!

Here’s a little summary of CC for those who are new!

“Cynical Chaos follows fifteen-year-old Ariana Salem and her group of rebel friends, The Unseen, a year after they’ve declared war against the corrupt government organization, Panacea. The novel takes place in 2005, in an alternate timeline where an alien race called Chaos Powers attempted to destroy the world. Panacea was created in order to defeat them, but have turned corrupt since their victory, conducting human experiments and other terrors under the guise of Earth’s protection. When Ariana and her friends are discovered as human hosts to the surviving Chaos Powers, and one of their own is taken by Panacea, the kids are forced to fight for their lives and their freedom in a world that has deemed them too dangerous to exist. Ariana is left deeply damaged from the stress of war, and throughout the novel, has to come to a decision about the fate of their cause: will she continue to demand their right to freedom, or will she submit to the pressures around her before she loses anyone else, including herself?”

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Hey friends!!! Comin' in with a new poem!!!

Awhile ago, I was being super emo and thinking about how the relationship with death is probably the most intimate and consistent one those of us with chronic illnesses have, and that led to the idea for a retelling of the Persephone myth, but with Persephone as a chronically ill disabled girl constantly in and out of the hospital. Think "Flirting with Death" but literally lol. This is the very first part of what I came up with! I’ll post the rest weekly.

This is another part of my mini-collection of death themed poems, called “An Internship with Death”.


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It happened like it always does



The clock ticked, and then it didn’t

Everything stilled in his presence

Death’s grand fanfare:

Silence

bellowing until his footsteps could be heard

echoing

in the hall

striding

toward her room,

she knew
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I was having a conversation with my mom on the way home today and she said something that really shook me to my core. It...makes a lot of sense to who she is as a person and what she's gone through. We were talking about someone whose kid is having behavioral problems lately, which brought up the different ways one can discipline a child, and she said (I wrote it down)

"Fear is what drives us to do the right thing"

Which, I think could be argued is true in a way, but the more I asked her about it, the more it was revealed that she was talking more about fear of punishment. She believes people avoid doing "bad" things because they're afraid of the punishment (a real life example: she avoids speeding because she doesn't want to get pulled over and/or get a ticket, whereas I tend to be more concerned with causing harm to myself or others). There's a lot to unpack to a worldview like that. When we look at people more my moms age (50-60s), and even older, this seems to be a really common ideology. There's something to be said about how this ideology has been set in place over human history, and the cycles that continue in order to keep it this way, especially in this white, Christian, working-class demographic. When I think about, it puts a lot of current things in perspective. It just kinda makes me sad.

Anyway, at some point I'm gonna write an essay about it, because again, there's...a lot to unpack.

Hey friends! This is a moodboard I made from one of my side stories. It's a siren AU for the game Jak and Daxter, called "You Were My Light in the Sinless Ocean".
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Dear, ****
I watched a man die today I watched a man
die
Today I watched a man die
today, die
I watched
die
Die today
I watched die
repeats on a loop
on a cycle
on a wheel
on a train track we can’t escape from
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A couple years ago,
i watched this show called, “The Magicians”
and fell in love with a character named
julia.
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